I wrote this in April of 2017, just four months after the unexpected death of our daughter. I did not think it possible to still be trying to survive this grief in August 2018. We are in a better place but still have a very long road ahead of us. Life does get more manageable as time goes by, but we are still angry, lost, self destructive and full of changing emotions. I will be writing about our process more frequently so that we can track our progress and share with those unfortunately experiencing the unthinkable loss of a child. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.
Updated 12-30-18 I removed some accusatory remarks because I have grown past them and the past cannot be undone. I did not remove anything that would take away from my emotions at the original time of writing this in April of 2017. As we prepare to face tomorrow we still feel deep sorrow and guilt but we have come a long way from where we were on this day. May you be wrapped in the Lords loving embrace if you are experiencing the devastating affects of the loss of a child, sibling, spouse, parent or friend. ~jennifer
As I sit here in a haze, the zombie like state I have taken on since December 30, 2016 so many thoughts going through my mind, I thought I would share some. Get some things off my chest that I will probably slightly regret tomorrow. Jennifer B.D. wouldn’t share her weaknesses or personal business on social media. A.D. Jennifer still has pride and tries to be strong at all times or at least for appearance sake. Still A.D is a different person from B.D and always will be. Where to start is the hardest part.
Before our whirl wind daughter died on New Years Eve , I had always had a gut feeling it was coming and even saw visions of her on life support just as she was when she passed. I told myself I was preparing for the unthinkable out of order death. WRONG! One can not prepare or even begin to fathom the torturous pain and grief that comes. The mind can’t pretend to feel something so devastating. That’s a feeling saved only for actual experience.
I’m not angry at the many people who are sitting on my mind often who have hurt me because of their absence. So easily going on in their own worlds, sharing every happy moment with their families on Facebook. I know you don’t know, some may not know how to handle it, might be waiting for us to move on and return to normal. Maybe we are out of sight and out of mind. I’m not making excuses for them anymore though.
-I see them helping friends with meals and childcare and play dates. We see them with other nieces and nephews while never checking on my son, their nephew, etc. He lost his only sibling 10 days after we got her back. They grew up together, the loss is great and the grief is real. The pain is eternal.
Twenty two years and all of a sudden we are left alone.
- Friendships dwindling away,
- Family members, with few exceptions, haven’t checked on us.
- The lack of support shown to Roger , the more I realize how many of his “friends” didn’t reach out to him or show up for him, it hurts my heart.
- So many of our “friends and family” continued on to their New Years Celebrations while we sat in the ICU numb and stuck in a nightmare we couldn’t wake from. We are extremely grateful for those who were there with and for us.
-Four children have lost their mother, forever. They were not disrupted and will be kept together and loved beyond measure if it’s the last thing we do. Still as they grieve, we grieve. As we grieve my parents grieve x2 for their first grandchild and their first child whom they can’t protect from this.
WE CAN’T JUST GET OVER IT!
-I stress at work because I know like everyone else they expect me to be over it and have little compassion to what a grief like this does. I assume they make their own assumptions about my productivity , so the stress of not being perfect or being discussed behind doors makes the stress at work intense and then no escape from that as I come home to my seemingly forgotten family as we struggle to get by, fake it till we make it, and quietly stress even more. No SSI benefits, a life of struggle ahead after already being dealt a shifty hand.
– I AM NOT ALWAYS AS STRONG AS I APPEAR. ……. I WILL ALWAYS BE AS STRONG AS I NEED TO BE THOUGH.
# we needed help # we need compassion #GODhasus #God Bless –
-compassionatefriends.org has very informative resources and if you are grieving you may want to reach out to them. If you want to try to understand it’s a great resource. Educate yourselves, someone you love may need you. (myself included)
Chelsie and Treys mom.
Loss of this magnitude weighs deep on a marriage. http://www.mammawchronicles.com/love-and-marriage/