Back to GOD’s Will, My Purpose
Read part one Personal & Spiritual Growth.
I was just reading the content on my About Us page from September. Four months have passed, and I realize I got away from my original purpose for this blog. Sure, I have shared a few personal stories, and they were genuine. However, it was not exactly the content I set out to provide my audience. Facing fears, searching for life meanings and inspiring courage in others, was the mission. What happened to advocate for proper mental health care, social injustice, elder care, and unconditional love? Hiding out in our new townhome practically oblivious to the world around me is NOT facing my fears! Let’s get back to it, shall we? My purpose is to love unconditionally and to challenge others to do the same.
What I Have Been Doing Since October
The most notable events in October was our move and Halloween. I am in love with the new place, in addition to adequate space, we have three bathrooms! Until now we have had one to share between up to eight people. We are far enough from the city that the night sky lights up with the stars so bright that both dippers are visible and the moon appears within reach. It’s a spectacular view.
I love the Fall and Halloween, so I bought four considerable pumpkins to carve. The kids and I sat down in the living floor with the pumpkins, paint, and a brand new set of kitchen knives. I was cutting the top of the pumpkin when the knife slipped from my hand. It literally only fell a few inches, and I assumed it would bounce off my leg to the floor. Uh, no! It went through my leg, right above my ankle. As I pulled it out the blood squirted as if I had hit an artery. The horrified children helped me to the couch while I held a rag tightly over it and proceeded to pass out. No worries, it was a clean cut and didn’t need stitches, but I bet the kids never forget pumpkin carving with Mammaw.
The view in the morning!
November wasted no time bringing about depression. I am not sure why November is worse than December, but I shut down from the outside world. Chelsie’s birthday and the girls birthdays are all in November and right around Thanksgiving. I thought about other parents in the world going through the motions to get by. Also dreading the impending holiday season without one or more of their children. I can’t speak for everyone else, but for me, the world looked very cold and distant from where I sat. Loneliness and sorrow seem to be unavoidable during times like these no matter how many people you are surrounded by. One of the reasons I avoided people was to prevent what they might say, I believe. So many comments that are meant to be helpful are more hurtful to grieving parents and lead to alienation.
Pretend I’m Special
Personally, I just wanted to feel like someone was trying to be understanding and maybe I wanted special treatment. Actually, I know I wanted special treatment. Someone to recognize that all the other problems in the world are tiny to a mother grieving her child. Obviously, there are people with much bigger problems than mine, and I am grateful for the many blessings I have, but I couldn’t help it.
However, one good thing came out of my solitude. I decluttered like crazy. Every box stayed in the garage until I went through it and got rid of anything we didn’t need, wouldn’t use, or didn’t want. So much went into the garbage it was therapeutic. Everything that I kept that didn’t come in the house had to be in a plastic tote and labeled. Now I should be able to find anything we need pretty quickly instead of spending days searching through boxes! Also, I was able to donate a ton of clothes and old housewares to clothes closets and families that could use them.
We celebrated all of the birthdays as a family including Chelsie’s. On her birthday we ate at a restaurant she liked and then came home to release balloons with personal notes to heaven. It is important to me that the kids don’t forget their mom and that we celebrate her together on every occasion.
Tree Decorating November 2018
On Thanksgiving, I had both families over. Something I hadn’t done for years. It was wonderful having everyone together and cooking again. I even brought out my old glass bowl and made a Chocolate Trifle Cake that is to die for! The next day my son and his girlfriend came and helped decorate for Christmas, something else I hadn’t done much of for a while. It came out beautiful and lifted everyone’s spirits.
Chocolate Trifle Recipe
Get the recipe to the chocolate trifle cake below . I also included a link for the trifle bowl below in case you need one. Your guests will thank you!
December had its ups and downs of course. However, the ups were pretty big. My husband and I started to communicate again and not just speak at each other. We had some breakdowns and a couple of times I thought it was hopeless. It wasn’t until I broke down about the guilt that I carry that we started to connect again truly. It was the hardest conversation I have ever had.
No Two People Grieve The Same
My guilt was always present, and as a result, I had a hard time transitioning to acceptance. Furthermore, I had never spoken about it out loud. Speaking those words out loud left me vulnerable, unable to catch my breath, crying uncontrollably but also allowed my husband back in. In those moments, I felt the compassion I needed from my husband. Consequently, I could now see that I didn’t make it easy to communicate with me. We were both at fault for the state of our marriage.
I’m not positive, but I think this may be where I can be helpful to others — encouraging couples to open up and be there for each other. Also to back off when their partner needs space. No one grieves the same; everyone takes different paths to get through it. If you can’t come together to realize that and make allowances for each other, you won’t get through it together.
Furthermore, it is natural to suffer from guilt after the loss of a loved one. There are always what if’s and how come’s. I know I couldn’t have changed the outcome and I believe in my heart my daughter knew how important she was to me. Unfortunately, guilt and painful memories will continue to slip in at times as well as paralyzing sadness. However, as “they” say, It does get a little easier over time to breathe but as “we” say, it will never be okay.
Our Christmas Decorations
A Priceless Christmas
Finally, Christmas was priceless. Trey, Caylin and Lamaur, the kid’s dad, stayed the night on Christmas Eve to be here Christmas morning when the kids got up. It was absolutely magical.
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That’s the last few months in a nutshell. Other than that, I have been pouring over information learning how to do whatever I can relate to blogging and marketing. There is so much information out there it is easy to forget what you are supposed to be doing. However, I have learned a lot, and I am going to start writing how to’s and checklists this week and share what I know with my readers. Follow me by subscribing to my email list if you are planning on building a business online.
Grandparent Savings Resource
Lastly, I know my grandparent readers are eager to find ways to save money, earn a little side money, and keep their grandchildren safe. I will be sharing links I find to free food, events and more with my email subscribers. For instance, today I have a link for free movie tickets this weekend for Black Panther to celebrate black history month and a way to earn a free pizza from Dominoes. Join my email subscriber list and be the first to get these freebies!
Coming up in 42 weeks series: One on one time with the kids, what we did, and how amazing it was for them and me. Also the online terms first edition and what I am doing and want to share with you in meditation and positive thinking.
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